At Secrets The Vine, The Wine’s Divine (2)

I promised in my last post that, unlike last time, I would actually relate my comments to the subject suggested by my title. How very novel!  You will recall, unless you were very naughty and did not read my previous post (need I remind you Santa takes note of such grievous transgressions this time of year), I mentioned there are now, or to be precise will be two days from now, an even dozen Secrets resorts.  Having personally sampled a few, I can only say, “May their tribe increase!”

They range in location from various beach destinations around Mexico, to Jamaica, to the Dominican Republic.  Each has a unique name and a flavor to match.  Someone at AMResorts, the parent company, has my admiration for conjuring up such names as Silversands, St. James, Wild Orchid, Marquis, Aura and our subject today, The Vine.   To be blunt, there are quite enough hotels in Mexico in the Grand Royal Imperial Sun Palace Beach Oasis Resorts & Spas genre, thank you very much.

So what do you suppose is the unique theme of  Secrets The Vine?  Need a hint?  It rhymesSecrets The Vine with vine and can be divine.  Need a little more time to call your lifeline?  I hope I have not been casting my pearls before swine.  Still don’t have it?  OK, OK, it’s wine. Come on folks, try to keep up now!

Just remember, at Secrets The Vine it’s all about the wine.  How so?  Let me count the ways:

1)  The Enoteca 

The Wire Repository at Secrets The VineBe honest, you don’t have a clue what I am talking about, do you?  Don’t worry, even a Kung Fu black belt master of the English language like your humble servant had to look that one up.  An “enoteca” is a wine repository.  The lobby features a wine wall with 3000 bottles of wine callously sealed beyond reach behind thick glass.  (You pack a few beach towels and a couple of dozen toiletry items in your suitcase and suddenly your reputation is in tatters.  So unfair.)

2)  The Vine Bar

I find this particularly cool (which is what we used to call things we liked back in the day).   The resort has created an area called The Vine Bar which is a designated wine tasting area for guests.  Here you can enjoy sommelier-led wineThe Wine Bar at Secrets The Vine tastings and pairings for the most discriminating palate.  I happen to think discrimination is a terrible thing so I personally guzzle, I mean sip, pretty much any wine within my boarding house reach.  But then I am assuming you haven’t seared your tender taste buds with a lifetime of stuffed jalapenos garnished with Habanero sauce as I have and can tell the difference between a vintage wine and kerosene .  Take notice of the handcrafted wood table that seats up to 14 guests.  Very classy!

3)  The Vine Gourmet Experience

Here is where we separate the pretenders from the pretentious!  For a mere $285 per person you can have the ultimate Vine Gourmet Experience.  You can click here for a complete listing of all the inclusions but it does encompass truffles, tequila and a chef’s apron to take home to name a few items.  Let’s just say if you aren’t feeling vastly superior to the great unwashed masses back home after this experience you don’t know jack squat about “snooty”.  I’m feeling suddenly sophisticated and all I did was read over the list of inclusions.

The Lounge at Secrets The VineI was going to limit this overview to only two posts but I realize there are even more amazing features I have yet to cover.  Therefore, in the interest of promoting worldwide democracy, I will let you, the people, decide.  Just register your vote in the poll below.  I know this will feel a little strange for you folks in Chicago, New Jersey and Louisiana but please try to vote just once.

At Secrets The Vine, The Wine’s Divine

For those not familiar with the brand, Secrets Resorts & Spas is the cornerstone of AMResorts‘ memorable collection of resort properties. Other brands include Dreams, ZoëtryNow, and Sunscape Resorts & Spas.

Through a combination of hard work and shameless wheedling (truly a lost art form), I have managed over the past several years to finagle (this is simply wheedling with a whiff of chicanery) stays at several of the Secrets properties.  I will reserve another occasion to extol the virtues of some of the other dozen Secrets such as Secrets Silversands, Secrets Maroma, Secrets Capri and Victoria’s Secret.  Oops, a little too much pool side eye candy may have caused a momentary lapse in concentration.

Secrets The Vine Cancun

The view looking north from my balcony. The lagoon is on the left and the ocean on the right.

Instead I prefer to squander, I mean utilize, this two hour plus flight home to share my impressions of SecretsThe Vine, Secrets’ latest gem.  A sudden attack of free association brings to mind the homophone gym … sorry, this is how the writer’s mind works . . . so why not begin with a brief mention of the fitness center? It will of necessity be brief because the closest I came to the fitness center the past five days was an extended visit to the nearby spa.  I did learn from one of my traveling companions, who I understand upon check out was charged replacement costs for a couple of Stairmasters, that it was quite extensive. Sorry, Erin, you are a wonderful young lady but two workouts a day while on vacation qualifies as OCD in anybody’s book.  Besides, looking young, vibrant and attractive are so overrated, don’t you agree, dear reader?

Secrets The Vine Spa by Pevonia

Now should you want to know about the spa, however, I’m your man.  I got there an hour before my massage to savor all the facilities seeing that spa savoring is not exactly an everyday ritual back home.  After confiscating every stitch of my clothing and instantly begging me “For the love of God, man, please don a bathrobe!”, the staff led me to this wood paneled room that was hotter than Texas in August.  I have no idea where I was but I am not exaggerating when I say it felt like a sauna in there.  Any overly exuberant description of my fifty minute massage could not possibly come to a good end seeing my dear wife is an avid follower of this blog. With apologies to my masseuse, I think I will stick with, “It was . . fine.”

I wouldn’t want to leave the impression that I spent my entire stay in self-indulgent pampering.  I mean, there were a couple of rounds of golf wedged in there (pun intended) not to mention some serious seaside ceviche sampling.

For those of you paying attention, probably the minority, you may have noticed that, in spite of the title of this post, I have managed to ramble on without any mention of the relationship between the name of the property and the fruit of the vine. Unfortunately, my self-imposed standard that these posts should be short enough to read in one brief bathroom visit (I assume you have wifi in there) means that you will just have to stop by for a second installment where I shall give vino the full attention it deserves!

If you will come back, I think I can promise to shower you with equally fascinating insights and clever repartee.  My goal with this blog is always to set a standard so attainable that even I can meet it!