For those not familiar with the brand, Secrets Resorts & Spas is the cornerstone of AMResorts‘ memorable collection of resort properties. Other brands include Dreams, Zoëtry, Now, and Sunscape Resorts & Spas.
Through a combination of hard work and shameless wheedling (truly a lost art form), I have managed over the past several years to finagle (this is simply wheedling with a whiff of chicanery) stays at several of the Secrets properties. I will reserve another occasion to extol the virtues of some of the other dozen Secrets such as Secrets Silversands, Secrets Maroma, Secrets Capri and Victoria’s Secret. Oops, a little too much pool side eye candy may have caused a momentary lapse in concentration.
Instead I prefer to squander, I mean utilize, this two hour plus flight home to share my impressions of SecretsThe Vine, Secrets’ latest gem. A sudden attack of free association brings to mind the homophone gym … sorry, this is how the writer’s mind works . . . so why not begin with a brief mention of the fitness center? It will of necessity be brief because the closest I came to the fitness center the past five days was an extended visit to the nearby spa. I did learn from one of my traveling companions, who I understand upon check out was charged replacement costs for a couple of Stairmasters, that it was quite extensive. Sorry, Erin, you are a wonderful young lady but two workouts a day while on vacation qualifies as OCD in anybody’s book. Besides, looking young, vibrant and attractive are so overrated, don’t you agree, dear reader?
Now should you want to know about the spa, however, I’m your man. I got there an hour before my massage to savor all the facilities seeing that spa savoring is not exactly an everyday ritual back home. After confiscating every stitch of my clothing and instantly begging me “For the love of God, man, please don a bathrobe!”, the staff led me to this wood paneled room that was hotter than Texas in August. I have no idea where I was but I am not exaggerating when I say it felt like a sauna in there. Any overly exuberant description of my fifty minute massage could not possibly come to a good end seeing my dear wife is an avid follower of this blog. With apologies to my masseuse, I think I will stick with, “It was . . fine.”
I wouldn’t want to leave the impression that I spent my entire stay in self-indulgent pampering. I mean, there were a couple of rounds of golf wedged in there (pun intended) not to mention some serious seaside ceviche sampling.
For those of you paying attention, probably the minority, you may have noticed that, in spite of the title of this post, I have managed to ramble on without any mention of the relationship between the name of the property and the fruit of the vine. Unfortunately, my self-imposed standard that these posts should be short enough to read in one brief bathroom visit (I assume you have wifi in there) means that you will just have to stop by for a second installment where I shall give vino the full attention it deserves!
If you will come back, I think I can promise to shower you with equally fascinating insights and clever repartee. My goal with this blog is always to set a standard so attainable that even I can meet it!